WADING IN

THE LAST LAUGH: SOME HELPFUL DRIVING TIPS by Toe Knee Weighed

 

Lately when I am driving with my 13-year old daughter in my truck, I’ve been explaining the rules of the road to her. But one thing I learned years ago is that the teaching doesn’t happen just when I want it to.

Some of the unintentional things I have taught her are:

It’s Okay When I Do It: When I am behind the wheel, in my mind  I combine the comforting warm manner of Hoke from “Driving Miss Daisy” with the technical driving savvy of that dude in “The Transporter” and throw in a little bit of the kind of luck that Sandra Bullock had in “Speed.” In my eyes, everyone else on the road graduated from the Billy Joel School of Moronic Driving.

Know Your Colors: Many people speed through a yellow light right before it turns red and call it amber, but I floor it a split second between when the light changes from red to green and thus fly through a brown light.

It’s Better to Be Nurse Ratched than Darth Vader: I was an old school road rager who would tailgate, flash high beams and yell obscenities way back before they even had an alliterative name for the phenomenon. Then people started to get shot doing that stuff which convinced me to knock it off.

Now I choose the much safer (well, in terms of bullets) method of being passive aggressive. Techniques like performing a Synchronized Lane Change ^© with a car trying to pass you or trapping a car in a lane next to you by matching the speed of the vehicle in front of them  like you are a Blue Angel in formation  is still fulfilling.

One Mo’ Again:  When going through a roundabout, I always take an extra lap and laugh maniacally with my tongue stuck out like Jim Carrey did in the “The Truman Show.”

Raider Right-of Way: If four vehicles come to a four way stop sign at the exact same time, the one with the Raider Nation license plate frame has the right-of-way.

Sound Off: I believe in leaning on my horn when necessary and the one in my Ford Ef One Fiddy is a loud blast that says “Hey buddy, how dare you steal the right-of-way from me!” When I drive my wife’s Prizm it doesn’t work because it s horn sounds as intimidating as a slightly amplified doorbell.

Always Wave: I don’t know who decided that showing your palm to someone who lets you cut into traffic means “thank you” but when drivers don’t do it I am tempted to give them a different gesture.

Bond, James Bond: When Kaci was a little kid, I had a Lincoln Continental that had a button in the glove compartment that opened the trunk. I told her that it was the button for the ejector seat like Agent 007’s Aston Martin had in “Goldfinger” and she believed me. One day I reached to press it and she was terrfified and I almost choked I laughed so hard.

Well, she no longer believes me as she is now13 , but I still treat my car as if it were a Q-modified Bond vehicle. If someone does something to irritate me, I press a button on my spy  control panel (the radio) to initiate the oil slick, flamethrower or machine gun turrets. Yes, it’s a little juvenile but it’s better than road rage.

Self-Serving Speed Limit Activation Theory: I feel that if I approach a sign that reduces the speed limit, it only goes into effect the second I physically pass the sign. If I see a sign that raises the speed limit, however, it goes into effect as soon as I see the sign no matter how far way it is..  Please feel free to adopt this theory but In the spirit of full disclosure I must say that I haven’t tested it in front of a judge yet.

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Reach Fairfield freelance writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net

 

THE LAST LAUGH: SEEK TRUE INTIMACY NOW, NOT LATER by Tony Wade

                          (warning: the video contains some profanity) 

My brother Kelvin’s recent harrowing flight and his resultant gratitude when it was over which he detailed in his column last Thursday, sparked a memory of one of my favorite scenes in a movie. The flick is “Almost Famous” by director Cameron Crowe (“Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. “Jerry Maguire”).

It is a semi-autobiographical tale about a 15-year old who is writing a story for Rolling Stone magazine about an up-and-coming rock band. The budding rock journalist witnesses all the band’s backstage issues including drugs, groupies, and personality conflicts. The relevant scene is when they are flying in a small plane to a gig, hit major turbulence and it appears the plane is about to crash.

Getting a little scared, one of the band members makes a blanket “if anything should happen I love all of you guys” statement, but when it actually appears they are in mortal danger, they get more real.

The band manager admits that he once hit a man with his car and kept going and was sorry. Then the floodgates open and revelations about intra-band infidelities, declarations of love from one band member to another’s girlfriend and resentment over the self-centeredness of the lead singer fly around the cabin along with anything not nailed down.

Finally the drummer yells out that he is gay and suddenly the plane straightens out and the band realizes that not only will they live, but they now have to live with the truths that hang in the air.

 What I like about the scene is that it shows how so many of us hold on to our true feelings and secrets until we think death is imminent. The thing is, death is always imminent. As far as I know, no one knows the exact hour when they will draw their last breath.

This column isn’t about death however; it’s about telling people what we think while we still can. Unlike the movie, I’m not suggesting that it necessarily be negative things either.

My parents’ generation didn’t open up and talk about feelings and motivations. It just wasn’t done. Consequently many of their children sought affirmation, approval and love and needed it to be verbalized and not just shown through actions.

It’s kind of like “Fiddler on the Roof” when Tevye asks his wife Golde if she loves him and she replies that she has cooked and cleaned and raised a family with him for 25 years.

I had a complicated relationship with my father growing up. We were just so different. I think what helped open up or relationship was me growing up and not seeing him as just an extension of my environment, but an actual human being with needs, desires and cares like anyone else.

I’m very thankful that before both of my parents passed away any resentment that I had allowed to fester when I was younger was cleared away.

Compared to my parents’ generation which played their cards close to the vest, the current one just shows their hand all the time.

It seems nowadays we’ve swung too far the other way with people sharing way too much stuff about themselves on TV talk shows and social media internet sites. I don’t think everybody needs to know all of your business.

However I think it’s definitely beneficial to have someone, even if it’s just one person, you can be open and honest with.

I think like a lot of people and men especially, when I was younger I both craved and feared true intimacy. I now know that that’s what life is about—connecting with people on a deep level.

While it would be really great if you could just read other people‘s thought balloons, as far as I know there is no shortcut to true intimacy. And from my experience, it’s so much better to try to achieve it before you think you only have seconds to live.

Reach Fairfield freelance writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net

THE LAST LAUGH: TONY AND BRAD'S ADEQUATE ADVENTURE by Toe Knee Weighed

 

The incredibly realistic 1989 movie “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” told the story of how Ted "Theodore" Logan (Keanu Reeves) and Bill S. Preston Esq. (Alex Winter) got an A on their high school history final by bringing historical figures from long ago to their school in San Dimas.

Bill and Ted went back to the past using a time-traveling phone booth and returned with the likes of Napoleon, Billy the Kid, Socrates, Sigmund Freud, Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, Abraham Lincoln and Beethoven.

It made me think: if I were able to go back into the past, who would I bring back to 2010 and why? For starters, I wouldn’t use a phone booth because you’d have to go back in time first to even find one of those and the paradox of that is giving me a headache.

A DeLoreon would be cool, but when’s the last time, if ever, you’ve seen one of those? No I’d just slap a flux capacitor in my Ford F-One Fiddy and be off.

Of course I would need a partner and so I’d choose Daily Republic columnist Brad Stanhope. Judging from past writings of his I’m sure after we made our historical wish lists that I would have to make some deletions from his as  he’d include Fred Flintstone, Robinson Crusoe, and Wonder Woman—none of whom are real.

Once the list was set we would embark on Tony and Brad’s Adequate Adventure.

John Montagu –This 18^th century British statesman was Postmaster General, First Lord of the Admiralty and Secretary of State for the Northern Department, but is best known as being the 4^th Earl of Sandwich and inventing the culinary device that allows people all over the world to eat anything as long as they have two pieces of bread.

From bacon, banana and mayonnaise to the McDonald’s McRib, John Montagu, we salute you sir.

Jimi Hendrix—I would tell Jimi that the whole drug thing would become very passé and that it would be so much cooler if he just ushered in the whole era of the awesome guitarist instead of the ever popular rock-star-choking-to-death-on-their-own-upchuck thing.

Marquis de Sade—I would hope that  he could explain how he could simultaneously be known for  writing books about pornography and eroticism with torture and pain and also make such wonderful music like “Smooth Operator” and “Your Love is King.”  “The Sweetest Taboo” does kinda make sense however.

Benjamin Franklin—It would be great to hear what Franklin thinks about modern culture and how he has survived in it. Specifically the 1997 song “It’s All about the Benjamins” by Puff Daddy (yes, he was Puff Daddy then) and how Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman’s uncanny resemblance to the founding father didn't help her failed campaign.

Homer-I think it’d be interesting to see what this author of epic poems like The Odyssey and The Iliad thinks of the fact that when most people hear his name these days they think of Bart Simpson’s bumbling father.

John Lennon—We’d pluck Lennon from 1967 when the Beatles were in a particularly creative phase and have him talk about songs he’s working on. Also, taking a cue from Doc from “Back to the Future” I would leave him a package with a note telling him to wear the enclosed bulletproof vest on December 8^th, 1980.

Abe Vigoda—In one of my favorite films “The Godfather”,  the late Vigoda played Tessio who delivered the famous “Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes” line and later went on to play Detective Fish on “Barney Miller.” Vigoda could then…wait…what? He’s not dead? Really? Oh. Never mind.

Harriet Tubman—One question I’d love to ask the famous conductor on the Underground Railroad is how come if it’s a subterranean locomotive no one just called it a subway? It’s so much easier to say. I mean, you don’t hear anyone calling the internet the “Information Superhighway” anymore do you? All hail brevity!

Bob Clampett—I’d finally confront this Looney Tunes animator and creator of Porky Pig and make him explain why his famous porcine construct wears a sports coat and bow tie but no pants. I mean, what the heck?

Reach Fairfield freelance writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net

 

 

 

 

THE LAST LAUGH: WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU SPAM AND POP TARTS...by Toe Knee Weighed

 

Everyone has heard the saying that “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” But if life doesn’t give you water and sugar, then what you have is just some sour lemon squeezin’s. Still, making the best out of a seemingly bad situation can always make it more tolerable.

Here are a few examples ripped from today’s headlines:

Stranded Splendor--When the Carnival cruise ship the Splendor had a fire and then lost power, passengers who had expected a carefree vacation were subjected to a near “Poseidon Adventure” –like experience.

There were tales of overflowed toilets and having to navigate in hallways that were dark and no heat or air conditioning. The US Navy brought supplies to the stranded vessel and it was widely reported that they had meals of Spam and Pop Tarts.

While at first blush, I must admit it didn’t sound appetizing, once I actually fried up a heaping hunk of the canned mystery meat and slapped it between two frosted strawberry PopTarts,  I was in salty/sweet heaven.

I’ve already copyrighted SpamTarts^© and we start production next week. It might even surpass sales of the other unlikely product I invented years ago: Snickers bars flavored with Schlitz Malt Liquor called Schlickers^©.

Midterm Elections--There was a lot of hubbub about the Democrats losing so many seats to Republicans in the midterm elections. While I am sure this is a big deal to many people, what  hasn’t been reported is that those seats were the only ones in the whole House of Representatives that had gum on them, didn’t recline and had no cupholders.

Chilean Miners--It is hard to imagine what it was like for the Chilean miners stuck for months 2300 feet below the ground. What I would have done is focused on my shadow puppetry skills.

By the time they pulled me out of there I would be able to make authentic looking shadow puppets of Mr. Snuffleupagus, a boll weevil DNA strand and Lady Gaga in her meat outfit.

I don’t know what they did to kill time down there while waiting to be rescued, but I’ll bet they played a favorite game of guys all over the world: “Now you Smelt it, Guess Who Dealt It”.

This guess-the-flatulence-sharer game would have a whole new dimension with the added ambiance of the incredible echoes they would get down there. “Luis?” “No!” “Mario?” “No!” “Um, what about Raul?” “Got me!” Peals of laughter.

Air Travel Pat Downs--Many are upset about the extreme pat downs they must now submit to when travelling by plane.  I have to imagine that the people who now have to perform these searches can’t be too happy about it either.

I mean, imagine a male screener who goes home and at the dinner table after hearing his son got an “A” on his science project and his nurse wife helped deliver a baby, he has to report his day consisted of groping 300 men.

So I am just going to go with the flow instead of getting upset about it. The next time I take a flight I’m going to show up at the security checkpoint wearing a red satin Hugh Hefner smoking jacket with matching slippers and have a pipe in my mouth.

 My carryon luggage will be a CD player which I’ll flick on to play a mashup of  Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On”, the Doors’ “Touch Me” and Journey’s "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin.'"

Poetic Justice

Congratulations to Juanita Martin who was recently named Fairfield’s very first Poet Laureate. Poet laureates are volunteers who advocate for the arts and contribute to the arts community by reading original works at official city events.

I read about the new Wal-Mart opening, but did not hear if Martin had constructed a poem about it. So I now present a haiku (which usually follows a structure of five syllables in the first line, seven syllables in the second and five in the third) on the new addition to Fairfield.

 

Falling prices here!

Shoppers seem to be happy!

Kmart? Not so much.

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Reach Fairfield Poet Laurel and Hardyeate Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net

 

THE LAST LAUGH: ALL NATIONS DAY --WITH A TWIST by Toe Knee Weighed

 

 

My daughter Kaci’s school recently had an All Nations Day where they celebrated various cultures from around the world. The students did research and provided information on the countries’ specific customs including art and clothing and provide samples of their indigenous food.

When I went to Grange Intermediate, we had the same type of thing only we called it a Cultural Fair. We represented Norway, but the only thing I remember was that Sweden’s meatballs were screamin’.  

Some of the booths at my daughter’s school had more authentic food than others. Instead of eel, flying fish and seaweed, Japan’s sushi consisted of fruit roll-ups and Rice Krispies Treats. Greece offered Fig Newtons instead of figs. But the USA booth had good ol’ American apple pie with whipped cream.

I wonder what All Nations Day is like in other countries. In Iran I’ll bet the people manning the USA booth dress like Satan and serve devil’s food cake.

Another thought I had was what if the countries represented actually acted like real countries sometimes do? Say for instance the Canada booth and the USA booth decide to participate in trade.

The American diplomats would promise them some apple pie. The Canadians would love this because nothing goes better with Moosehead beer than apple pie. Their diplomat would in turn promise the USA some Canadian bacon.

 Now, everyone knows that bacon makes everything better. By the way, the San Francisco 49ers would probably be doing much better this season if they simply added some bacon to their team.

 Of course, when the actual trade was to take place and the Canadian delegation showed up not with tasty, crispy, salty bacon but with ham, our northern neighbors’ dirty trick would trigger an international incident.

Naturally military action would follow and the whole thing would go from being a pleasant educational experience to a real-life game of RISK.

So, better to keep it friendly. Then another thought hit me: what if All Nations Day included fictional lands?

For instance:

Elbonia-This country in the former Soviet Bloc is featured every so often in the “Dilbert” comic strip. It is a “fourth world” country whose citizens wear long hats similar to the Water Buffalo Lodge one Fred Flintstone wore and they live in waist-deep mud. The Elbonia national bird is the Frisbee. The food that could be featured is deep-fried mud weasel.

 
Teletubbyland—This bright, cheery, colorful nation with its four odd citizens would feature information on the gay rights struggles of Tinky Winky. The food offered would be Skittles.

The Matrix—This booth would let visitors sit in recliners and have a USB cable attached to the back of their neck which leads to their cerebral cortex. While admittedly a tad invasive, the plus side is that they can learn to speak fluent Hungarian, become a black belt in several different martial arts disciplines and learn to solve a Rubik’s cube simply by having the Operator click “upload” on his computer.

Tattoine—This “Star Wars” planet’s booth could focus on the political struggle between the Empire and the Rebel Alliance as well as religious differences between proponents of The Force and those who put their faith in technology.

I would love to try that blue milk that Luke Skywalker along with his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are enjoying in “A New Hope.” I think I’d drive those manning the booth crazy with questions which would lead to other questions like:

Does the milk come from those big musk ox looking things called Banthas? Who milks them, the Sand People a.k.a. the Tusken Raiders? Is Al Davis the owner of the Tusken Raiders? Are they better than the 49ers? What about the 49ers with bacon?

The Shire—The bucolic home of the Hobbits in “The Lord of the Rings” would…wait a second. It’s too soon for a Gary Coleman joke isn’t it? Okay, never mind.

Reach Fairfield freelance Elbonian Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net