It’s time once again for Made Up Mailbag where I pretend to answer letters from readers which is actually just stuff I came up with sitting on my couch watching “30 Rock.”
Dear Tony,
I see that you and your lovely wife Beth will celebrate 16 years of wedded bliss on December 22nd. I am a newlywed and my husband and I are having problems adjusting to living with each other. Do you have any advice?
Sincerely,
Mary Enkind
Dear Mary,
When we were first married, Beth and I argued over things such as the fact that I liked to squeeze the toothpaste tube from wherever I grabbed it, but she employed the from-the-bottom-up technique. Our solution was to each have our own toothpaste.
This principle has served us well and we now have several other his and hers household items including bathtubs, Christmas trees, porcupine traps and Chia Pets.
Dear Tea Dub Bull Ewe,
I’m 14 years old and in my online Hogwarts Guild we had an interesting discussion about the latest film “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1”. In the upcoming second installment do you think they will include the crucial parts about Dumbledore’s childhood?
Griffindor forever,
Dexter Poyn
Dear Dexter,
I can’t predict that, but I can predict that you’ll never have a girlfriend.
Dear Kelvin’s Brother,
You graduated from Armijo High School nearly thirty years ago. Do you ever outgrow the Armijo-Fairfield High rivalry thing?
Alumniacally Yours,
Al Mumotter
Wuzup Al,
In short, no you don’t. At last I never have. In fact, I have expanded my dislike of other local schools to include Rodriguez which wasn’t even around when I was in high school. When I spoke to their journalism class a couple of months ago the first thing I said was “Your school mascot is a Mustang? Indians ride mustangs!”
What it be like, Tonester?
My wife and I want to get a pet for our 7 year old daughter but can’t agree on what to get. We did agree that we would ask you and whatever you decided would be what we went with. So which is a better pet: a Wildebeest or a scorpion?
Animalistically,
Noah Zark
Hi there Noah,
Wow, I get this exact same question from so many parents. I would give the nod to the scorpion simply because the Scorpions were one of my favorite hard rock bands in the 80’s. Still, mambo/swing/rap group Wildebeest isn’t that bad either though. Flip a coin.
Dear Toni,
I don’t know you, but can I be your friend on Facebook?
Ominously,
Cyril Killa
Dear Cyril,
First off, it’s Tony with a “y” not an “I”. Secondly, I have never met you, can only see what you choose to show me on Facebook of your profile which could be completely made up and although we have 17 friends in common, I actually don’t know any of those people either. So of course we can be friends.
Dear Mr. Wade,
How can I tell which of the emails I get from Nigeria and other places are real and which ones are scams?
Gullibly,
“Big” Moe Ron
Howdy Moe,
Here’s my rule of thumb. If they ask you to send money to anyone but me they are a scam.
Dear Tony Wade,
I read last year around this time that you do some of your gag gift Christmas shopping at thrift shops like We Got It on North Texas Street. Where do you shop to get real gifts for your brothers?
Fondly,
Juanita Cash
Dear Juanita,
Well, frankly I’m offended by your letter. There are numerous countries where people would be overjoyed to receive broken dishes and mismatched socks as a “gag gifts.” Spoiled elitist.
Hey Tony Wade,
It’s Juanita again. I just read your response and I’m canceling my subscription to the Daily Republic.
Not so fondly,
Juanita Cash
Hey Juanita
I just read your response to my response and all I have to say is “Whatever.” I only take the paper on Mondays myself.
Reach Fairfield freelance writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net
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