In the 1970’s my mom bought the then-chic aluminum Christmas tree. It was basically a broom handle spray painted silver with silvery tinseled branches that you stuck into it to make the tree and then decorated.
While I am grateful that we had a tree at all, it really looked like one the Robinson family on “Lost in Space” would’ve had aboard the Jupiter II.
We didn’t have a fireplace in the Navy housing we lived in, but my mom bought a cardboard cutout of one that she hung our stockings on. It kinda made me skeptical about the whole Santa thing, but as long as there were presents under the tree with my name on ‘em, I didn’t care where they came from.
While Christmas as a kid was usually awesome, two particularly unawesome ones spring to my mind--both involving my brother Kelvin. In the mid-1970s I was crazy about The Planet of the Apes. I had the action figures, I had seen all the movies and my dream was one day to save up the $12.95 to buy one of the “realistic” masks advertised in comic books.
My mom, er, Santa got me the Planet of the Apes treehouse that year. It had a porch and hammock and was a perfect hangout for my Cornelius, Zira, and Dr. Zaius action figures.
I assembled it and was just about to play with it when Kelvin came walking down the hallway backwards playing with a stupid remote controlled horse and tripped , crushing my unplayed-with treehouse. Nearly forty years later I can still see it in my mind’s eye in horrific slow-motion.
The other incident was when I went into Kelvin’s room on a different Christmas day and was pestering him as older brothers do. He told me to get out and I mocked him. Then as I was leaving I suddenly got a stinging pain next to my right eye and there was blood everywhere. Kelvin had thrown a comb at me and it cut me less than an inch from my eye.
I had to get three stitches and I carry the scar today. That Christmas Day both Kelvin and I got toys in the morning and butt whuppins at night.
Sometime in the ‘80s we started the tradition of the gag gift. From its humble beginnings giving each other Barbie knockoffs, it has evolved into an art form. Kelvin set a new mark two years ago when he gifted me with a hamburger in a Susan Lucchi box with a bite out of it. Below is a video of the incident.
It is almost a competition and so I started preparing months in advance. I did some research online and bookmarked my results. The hardest part was wading through all the great and cheap stuff I found. I had to pass on the Squirrel Underpants and Dill Pickle Flavored Mints, but I think I made some wise choices.
They included:
Bacon scented car air freshener, a monkey you shoot across the room that screams (that's Kaci demonstrating it in the picture) , band aids that look like bacon, and inflatable toast.
Gag gifts need not be store-bought however. My brother Orvis loaned me some John Grisham audiobooks and he’ll be getting them back as gifts. Last year Orvis gave us a nice little portable grill which has sat in my closet all year. I hope he enjoys it when he gets it back.
Kelvin got a Millennium Falcon toy in the 1970s which for some reason I have. It will be wrapped not in a box but with paper barely concealing its obvious horseshoe-like shape.
Now, one item which may seem like a gag gift is for my wife but it is real. It is a Dread Pirate Roberts action figure from her favorite movie “The Princess Bride.” But dang it, his arm was broken off.
We’ve passed our antics on to another generation as my daughter Kaci’s gag gifts included a chocolate advent calendar for her uncle Orvis minus the chocolate, an empty soda bottle with a message in it that just said “by the Police”, and used losing raffle tickets for her Uncle Kelvin. Ah, I brought her up right.
While I made a decent showing in the gag gift competition this year, Kelvin outdid himself. When I got a package that had “don’t ask, don’t tell” written on it addressed for me I knew I was in for it.
It was a “Sweet Sulu” action figure with lipstick and a rainbow Star Trek insignia. The legend on it said “Boldly go where many men have gone before.”
In the gag yet real gift category he got me a Fisher Price Teaching Clock. He got it online and when I opened the box and saw the back of it I got a rush of nostalgia. My mom had got identical ones for me and Kelvin when we were kids.
He was playing with his outside and dropped it down the sewer. I saw him playing with mine and ordered him to cease and desist and return my property posthaste. He rebuffed my entreaties and so I repeated my demands and increased the volume of my voice. He then clocked me upside the head with it caused a huge goose egg sized bump. Ah, memories.
It really was awesome to get a small chunk of childhood back for a time, but the best part of the day was spending time with my family. Our youngest brother Scott, who lives in Canada, was even able to join in the festivities through use of an iPod Touch. When Orvis opened his Bacon extravaganza gag gift, I held up the iPod and said “Look! They’re laughing at you in a different country!”
I want to sincerely thank all my readers of this column and “The Lighter Side of the Black Hole” this year. Have a happy and safe New Year’s and try not to throw a comb at anyone.
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Reach Fairfield freelance writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net
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