The incredibly realistic 1989 movie “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” told the story of how Ted "Theodore" Logan (Keanu Reeves) and Bill S. Preston Esq. (Alex Winter) got an A on their high school history final by bringing historical figures from long ago to their school in San Dimas.
Bill and Ted went back to the past using a time-traveling phone booth and returned with the likes of Napoleon, Billy the Kid, Socrates, Sigmund Freud, Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, Abraham Lincoln and Beethoven.
It made me think: if I were able to go back into the past, who would I bring back to 2010 and why? For starters, I wouldn’t use a phone booth because you’d have to go back in time first to even find one of those and the paradox of that is giving me a headache.
A DeLoreon would be cool, but when’s the last time, if ever, you’ve seen one of those? No I’d just slap a flux capacitor in my Ford F-One Fiddy and be off.
Of course I would need a partner and so I’d choose Daily Republic columnist Brad Stanhope. Judging from past writings of his I’m sure after we made our historical wish lists that I would have to make some deletions from his as he’d include Fred Flintstone, Robinson Crusoe, and Wonder Woman—none of whom are real.
Once the list was set we would embark on Tony and Brad’s Adequate Adventure.
John Montagu –This 18th century British statesman was Postmaster General, First Lord of the Admiralty and Secretary of State for the Northern Department, but is best known as being the 4th Earl of Sandwich and inventing the culinary device that allows people all over the world to eat anything as long as they have two pieces of bread.
From bacon, banana and mayonnaise to the McDonald’s McRib, John Montagu, we salute you sir.
Jimi Hendrix—I would tell Jimi that the whole drug thing would become very passé and that it would be so much cooler if he just ushered in the whole era of the awesome guitarist instead of the ever popular rock-star-choking-to-death-on-their-own-upchuck thing.
Marquis de Sade—I would hope that he could explain how he could simultaneously be known for writing books about pornography and eroticism with torture and pain and also make such wonderful music like “Smooth Operator” and “Your Love is King.” “The Sweetest Taboo” does kinda make sense however.
Benjamin Franklin—It would be great to hear what Franklin thinks about modern culture and how he has survived in it. Specifically the 1997 song “It’s All about the Benjamins” by Puff Daddy (yes, he was Puff Daddy then) and how Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman’s uncanny resemblance to the founding father didn't help her failed campaign.
Homer-I think it’d be interesting to see what this author of epic poems like The Odyssey and The Iliad thinks of the fact that when most people hear his name these days they think of Bart Simpson’s bumbling father.
John Lennon—We’d pluck Lennon from 1967 when the Beatles were in a particularly creative phase and have him talk about songs he’s working on. Also, taking a cue from Doc from “Back to the Future” I would leave him a package with a note telling him to wear the enclosed bulletproof vest on December 8th, 1980.
Abe Vigoda—In one of my favorite films “The Godfather”, the late Vigoda played Tessio who delivered the famous “Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes” line and later went on to play Detective Fish on “Barney Miller.” Vigoda could then…wait…what? He’s not dead? Really? Oh. Never mind.
Harriet Tubman—One question I’d love to ask the famous conductor on the Underground Railroad is how come if it’s a subterranean locomotive no one just called it a subway? It’s so much easier to say. I mean, you don’t hear anyone calling the internet the “Information Superhighway” anymore do you? All hail brevity!
Bob Clampett—I’d finally confront this Looney Tunes animator and creator of Porky Pig and make him explain why his famous porcine construct wears a sports coat and bow tie but no pants. I mean, what the heck?
Reach Fairfield freelance writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net
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