The Big C

Ask and ye shall receive

It might sound a bit weird but I found out I have pneumonia today and I couldn't be happier.

Yes, I have a touch of pneumonia and that's causing my cough. More importantly, I don't have a mass in my chest, in my lungs, in my heart, etc. Nothing, nada, nertz. And that is such a relief.

I do have a few prescriptions to take, however, which aren't on the protocol but I think it's important to take something for a short while to clear something up rather than have to try to deal with it for months. And that's what I've been doing.

I'm tired and worn out but I so needed something good to hear. Thank you, Dr. Gillespie, for calling me with this news tonight. He fit me into his crammed schedule today, took lots of time to talk to me, calmed my fears and then called me at the end of the day with results. I love my doctor.

And the other bit of good news, a big bit. I get to keep my doctor. A month or so ago my insurance company and my doc's medical group failed to reach a contract agreement so I was going to have to switch doctors come the first of the year. I've had my doc for 20 years now and I can't tell you the penic I felt. I was looking at buying other insurance to keep seeing him, in addition to what I have through work.

But just yesterday he signed a new contract and will be able to continue taking my insurance.

Good day all around. I still feel crappy but at least I now know why I feel crappy and the possibilities in my head have quieted for awhile.

I'm crying again. But for a different reason.

Reality checks

I'm so tired and scared right now of this whole cancer thing I don't know what to do about it. I know it's the right course but I feel so alone doing it. I feel so alone and things aren't changing or working and I don't know how long I can do this.

It's so hard to admit, to say. I'm so tired of being strong and upbeat and positive. I'm so tired of being independent and self-supporting. And I'm so tired of being tired of this, of having to do this every day, every waking moment thinking of this.

Everything I do, everything I think, is filtered through it. I watch the Olympics and wonder if they're the last Olympics I'll see. My cat comes to me to comfort me while I'm crying and I wonder who will care for him and my other cats. I wonder who will care for my brother.

I think of my future and I don't know what's there. I remember my mother telling me about six months before she died that she didn't have to worry about having money to live on as she got older. Is that me, too?

I go along to work and I talk and type and read and meet and do everything I'm supposed to do, and I cough and think I have lung cancer, or I get a bug bit and think the cancer has spread to my hand. I look at my hand now and find such hope in the fact that this bug bite healed and is gone, and I feel the sadness and desperation that I have to look to a bug bite for hope.

I know this path I've chosen is hard. I know it takes time. I know it is the right course. But, please, God, please let something good happen soon. Please let something good happen soon. I don't know how much faith I have left. I don't know.

I wonder sometimes how much of this was me. What did I do to cause this? Did I not forgive people enough, hurt people too much, waste too much energy being mad or frustrated or irritated. Do I hold my emotions back too much, letting them fester and poison me? Was I so self-contained that no one could see me hurting, so I turned away and turned into myself and let nothing in, and nothing out. And now I can't admit how scared and tired I am because I'm afraid to start crying because I'm afraid I won't stop.

And when will it end? Will I die soon? I keep fighting and fighting and fighting. When will it end? Will it end?

And now I have a bunch of snot coming out of my nose and the cats are freaking out because they've never heard me sob before.

Hibernating with porn carrots in Fairfield

I'm sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. Things haven't been going well for me and this cancer thing.
Oh, I'm still kicking, still getting on, but I'd had hopes that things would be improving by now. And they aren't.
I'm impatient, I guess. Doing things the alternative way can take time. I'm trying to regain balance in my system after decades of living out of balance. It takes time.
But, boy, it's hard as I watch things grow on my chest and I continue to try to follow the protocol with little headway.
So it's a downer. And I try to be uplifting and all that here. So I just haven't written.
But I did come across something funny today and wanted to share.
I'm trying to juice more. One of the problems I've had on this protocol is getting enough vegetables into my system. I do fine not eating things. Not so great eating what I'm supposed to.
I've been buying carrots, celery, beets and other stuff to juice at the local supermarket. But recently I visited a health food store and bought some carrots from them.
I got home and these were Superman carrots. I mean, they were huge, porn star huge. One carrot made the same amount of juice three supermarket carrots did.
I was trying to come up with a name for these carrots, you know, like a porn star, Paul Poundsalot or Big Bob Banger. But couldn't really come up with one.
I had the last of those carrots this morning. I have to hit the market tonight to get some more carrots but I can't make it to the health food store.
So I will have to lust for my porn star carrots from afar. At least until the weekend when I'll make my rabid way up the freeway in search of Sammy Schlong the Carrot.
Tee hee!!