The Academy Awards are Sunday.
Rudely, I was not invited. I consider this a bigger oversight on the Academy’s part than leaving Michael Fassbender out of the best-actor race.
However, since Savile Row suits are a little out of my price range, maybe it’s just as well.
Also, in fairness to the Academy, I haven’t actually seen any of this year’s nominees.
It’s a strange position for me since I’ve grown accustomed to spending copious hours grinding out a butt groove in seats in Solano County theaters.
In years gone by, I saw most, if not all, of the best-picture nominees by the time the Academy announced its picks.
I have an impressive track record when it comes to picking the winner for the best picture Oscar. I’ve been right 11 out of the last 14 years, missing “The Hurt Locker,” “Crash” and “Shakespeare in Love.” In my defense, I said “Hurt Locker” should win and there’s no way I'll ever be convinced the other two are better than “Brokeback Mountain” and “Saving Private Ryan.”
This year, since I haven’t seen any of the nominees, I’m picking based on speculation, hype and my Magic 8 Ball.
Let's knock out the technical categories with little or no explanation why:
• Art direction: "The Artist."
• Cinematography: "The Tree of Life."
• Costume design: "Jane Eyre."
• Film editing: "The Artist."
• Makeup: "The Iron Lady" because it sounds like a movie about Iron Man's sweetheart.
• Sound editing: "Hugo."
• Sound mixing: "Hugo" again, since I picked it for best editing.
• Visual effects: "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." No way I see "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" winning for this since I couldn't distinguish the Decepticons from the Autobots in the second film in that series.
I remember thinking "Rango" looked awesome, so I'm going to take it as my choice for best animated feature film.
There are three short film categories. I absolutely have to pick a film titled "God is the Bigger Elvis" simply based on its name for documentary short. Sticking with picking shorts based on their titles — because who has actually seen most of these anyway? — I'll go with "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore" for animated short and "Tuba Atlantic" for live action short.
I've heard some hype about "Undefeated" in the best documentary category, but I'm taking Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky's "Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory" (left) because I recognize them from the other two "Paradise Lost" films as well as the Metallica documentary "Some Kind of Monster."
The best foreign language category includes a film named "Bullhead" from Belgium, which sounds pretty interesting. I'm obliged to make a joke about the film "Footnote" being one, too. Since I see "A Separation" up for best original screenplay, too, that's my choice here.
I have a 50/50 chance of being right about best original song since there’s only two nominees. Since “Man or Muppet” is credited to Flight of the Conchords’ Bret McKenzie, that’s my choice, if for no other reason than to be able to refer to him as “Oscar winner Bret McKenzie” on this blog at some point in the future.
For best original score, John Williams is nominated twice, so he'll cancel himself out. I'm going to pick Ludovic Bource for "The Artist" because I want to see the Oscar presenter say the name Ludovic.
For best adapted screenplay, it has to be “Moneyball,” which took a book about a strategy for evaluating players to make a successful baseball team on a low budget and turned it into a dramatic vehicle.
When it comes to original screenplay, seeing Woody Allen’s name in the list is enough for me to pick “Midnight in Paris.” Plus, the Magic 8 Ball said “Yes, definitely” when I asked if he would win.
Jonah Hill must have surprised people with his dramatic chops in “Moneyball” to be nominated for best supporting actor. However, I’ve got to think this category is a race between Christopher Plummer and Max von Sydow. The acting categories often go to people who are due, so I’ll take 82-year-old Plummer for what amounts to a lifetime achievement award.
For best supporting actress, the two actresses from “The Help” (right) will cancel each other out, which is a disappointment because I really wanted to pick Jessica Chastain because she's from Northern California. I need a wild-card choice, so I’ll take Melissa McCarthy for “Bridesmaids” since I’m stunned to see that movie nominated for any Academy Awards.
The list for best actress is stacked: Glenn Close, Viola Davis, Rooney Mara, Meryl Streep and Michelle Williams. This is Close’s sixth nomination and first in more than 20 years. She earned my eternal respect for a knockout turn in her one season on “The Shield.” Much to my surprise, she has never won an Oscar, so she’s my pick.
For best actor, I recognize Demián Bichir’s name for playing Nancy Botwin’s suave, corrupt husband in “Weeds,” but “A Better Life” was off my radar. Since George Clooney already has an Oscar on his mantle, he’s out. Brad Pitt, nominated for a third time, has never won. I’ll apply the same rationale as I did for Close and Plummer and pick Pitt for his first gold statue.
Best director frequently goes to the winner of best picture, so I like Michel Hazanavicius for “The Artist” (left).
That means I’m going to take “The Artist” for best picture, mostly because the title makes it sound like a Prince biopic.
When it wins, I want to see The Purple One take the stage and perform “When Doves Cry.”
Wait. That’s not what it’s about? And it's in black and white?
Hmm. Maybe I should actually see some of these films.
The Academy Awards air live Sunday on ABC. Check local listings for times. To see the complete list of nominees, visit the Academy Awards website.
Edited 11/18/17