I'm so tired and scared right now of this whole cancer thing I don't know what to do about it. I know it's the right course but I feel so alone doing it. I feel so alone and things aren't changing or working and I don't know how long I can do this.
It's so hard to admit, to say. I'm so tired of being strong and upbeat and positive. I'm so tired of being independent and self-supporting. And I'm so tired of being tired of this, of having to do this every day, every waking moment thinking of this.
Everything I do, everything I think, is filtered through it. I watch the Olympics and wonder if they're the last Olympics I'll see. My cat comes to me to comfort me while I'm crying and I wonder who will care for him and my other cats. I wonder who will care for my brother.
I think of my future and I don't know what's there. I remember my mother telling me about six months before she died that she didn't have to worry about having money to live on as she got older. Is that me, too?
I go along to work and I talk and type and read and meet and do everything I'm supposed to do, and I cough and think I have lung cancer, or I get a bug bit and think the cancer has spread to my hand. I look at my hand now and find such hope in the fact that this bug bite healed and is gone, and I feel the sadness and desperation that I have to look to a bug bite for hope.
I know this path I've chosen is hard. I know it takes time. I know it is the right course. But, please, God, please let something good happen soon. Please let something good happen soon. I don't know how much faith I have left. I don't know.
I wonder sometimes how much of this was me. What did I do to cause this? Did I not forgive people enough, hurt people too much, waste too much energy being mad or frustrated or irritated. Do I hold my emotions back too much, letting them fester and poison me? Was I so self-contained that no one could see me hurting, so I turned away and turned into myself and let nothing in, and nothing out. And now I can't admit how scared and tired I am because I'm afraid to start crying because I'm afraid I won't stop.
And when will it end? Will I die soon? I keep fighting and fighting and fighting. When will it end? Will it end?
And now I have a bunch of snot coming out of my nose and the cats are freaking out because they've never heard me sob before.